mantra

#ESMEINK : "Life & Power" Day 24

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happiness

LIFE & POWER

I begin with a quote today. I love it, and I question it at the same time;

"YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY IF YOU CONTINUE TO SEARCH FOR WHAT HAPPINESS CONSISTS OF. YOU WILL NEVER LIVE IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE".

This quote reminds me that, what really matters, is right NOW. This very moment. Being present, once again. Finding peace amongst the bit of chaos I have in my life right now-today-this evening. I know that I'm not alone, when I feel like I'm always searching for more of a meaning to life. A purpose.

But how lost in this should a person get? And how far away from it does one get without seeming like they don't give a damn? And then, on the other hand, I also love searching for what happiness means to me. Questioning if I'm happy, and making necessary adjustments in my life to become so. My journals have helped me begin to reveal a part of this grand question.

I have felt, that the more I unravel beneath my skin, the more work I create for myself, and the busier I've become. I wish I didn't have to sleep at night. I wish I didn't tire. Truly, wishful thinking.

So, what is happiness to me? What is happiness to others?

{Power}

Everyone has power symbols. For some it's money. For others, it may be status. Maybe it's to be physically fit. Maybe its a career. Whatever it may be, we usually feel in control of our lives when that thing is present and abundant. When it's not, walls can crumble, our relationships can fall apart, and life seems less grand. Some people dive into a depression. It's different for everyone.

Power symbols. Are they learned from observing members of our clan from a young age? A sum of our experiences thus far? Probably both, I think. When and where in our lives did they become significant, and can we change them? I think yes, but not without a lot of work, love, and self-trust. That's where I'm at.

Money is definitely a power symbol to me. Not that I've ever had an abundance of it. I have made the connection to my happiness, or lack of it when money is either present or scarce. So thats where I'm starting. My first power symbol. Why this one? Because often, I feel like money is the root of all evil. Boom.

I'm starting to create change-new habits and beliefs that ultimately pave new pathways in my brain. A re-wiring (so to speak). I want my brain to understand that this power symbol, is truly symbolic. I want to physically not feel frustrated, scared, or stressed over money. I will rewire my brain to understand, that, when money is not abundant at any given time, that it's OK. This would be the time to reflect on life's simple, and often free treasures. Like mother earth. Love. Peace. Health. This will serve me better.

I love turning lemons into lemonade. Literally and figuratively.

As I work towards creating new habits, new thoughts, and new beliefs that ultimately create happiness, the one thing I can't forget to remember is, let go, and live! Because the more I live, the more the meaning of life will reveal itself!

I'm choosing a mantra today, that translates to releasing obstacles. It will help me let let go of that which is blocking my path.

{MANTRA}

Om Gum Ganapateyi Namaha

mantra

#ESMEINK Journal Entry by Lise-Marie Johnson

#ESMEINK : "Tribe + Loss" Day 10

grief

{Tribe and LOSS}

I'm going back to the base chakra again today. While I'm searching for some answers regarding my heritage and family history, I have been thinking a lot about someone who was a part of my clan for a very short period when I was only a young child, not able to understand.

Today, I mourn my sister, Dana, who moved to the other side-next life-heaven-whatever it may be. She was only a baby.

How strange, that someone whom I do not remember, or barely knew, has such an impact on my heart. The more the years go by, the more I feel connected to her soul. The more I feel the loss.

As much as this is a matter of the heart, to me, it's also a matter of "clan." There are many elements missing from where I came from, but missing a member such as a sister, makes me feel like there is more work at the base chakra before I move to the heart. She was a part of my adoptive family. My true clan. The beautiful people, who gave me strong morals, bestowed acceptance upon me, showed me what unconditional love meant and so, so much more.

I love her so much today. I feel the push to open up this box. To hurt, and to heal.

To grow.

My mom has always said, if I wanted to talk about her, or see a picture, to just ask. I only remember bringing the topic up a couple of times, and it brought my mom to tears. Her pain hurts me more than the loss I feel. A woman, who adopted, because she couldn't have children of her own. A woman, who had so much love to give, she was willing to love and raise a complete stranger, and give her life. And then, the miracle. Pregnancy, and the birth of a beautiful girl. Followed, by darkness. I don't know how a parent copes. I don't' know how they move on. I don't know how a marriage survives. It must be just love. Isn't love the root of all that is good? Doesn't love heal all things?

I'm grateful for the clan I have. I am saddened by the ones we've lost, the one's I have yet to find, and the one's to come.

I invite this sadness in today, to appreciate you, Dana, you young beautiful soul. You are missed, and loved. I hope to meet you once again, and truly get to know you. I invite sadness in today, to help me heal and grow strong. Healing occurs in the present moment. I will build roots, deep into the ground, not forgetting about you, yet honouring you and building a strong clan.

{Mantra} "OM"

#ESMEINK Journal Entry by Lise-Marie Johnson

#ESMEINK : "Desire & Fear" Day 4

fear

DESIRE AND FEAR : Public Speaking 

"We don't create abundance. Abundance is always present. We create limitation" -Arnold Patent

I feel this overwhelming drive to want to speak in front of crowds. To educate and inspire. It terrifies me just as much as I feel the pull to do it. I lack confidence, because I typically don't fail at things when I really want them. I refuse. But that has to be a good thing. Some one whom I look up to very much explained that if I feel scared, or nervous, or have doubts, it means essentially that I am ready. Otherwise, I suppose I wouldn't have these thoughts in the first place. I know what I want to be successful. I don't want my fears to create limitations in my life any longer.

What am I afraid of and why the blockage? I remember grade 5 like it was yesterday. I had a very shy exterior. I've never been great or confident in front of crowds (at least that's how i've always felt). Each student in every class from each grade was to compose a speech and present in front of their own class. Gross. So we all got through it, and somehow I was nominated from my class to present my speech in front of the school assembly. Of course, I declined the offer left, right, up, down, until I felt convinced to finally say yes to this horrible idea.

Day of assembly. My turn. Nervous as %&*$!! Not sure the delivery presented anything other than that. I got through it, but didn't remember much. (probably due to shock)

End of that school day. An un-named boy, well known in the school with his crew, walked passed me and said…"by the way, your speech sucked". He and his friends all laughed.

I've had reservations about public speaking since. Crazy that something that happened so many years ago can have such an impact even as an adult! Insecurities suck.

People change. We were all kids, and there are no ill feelings towards that person at all. I've said things I'm not proud of as a human, but that's being a kid.

It's learning and growing.

I had another bad public speaking experience where I was just unprepared, and had to deliver a 5 minute presentation for a group interview with a company for a position. I got about one minute in before a complete mental block, and finally, after a good long 20 seconds or so, had to take my seat awkwardly.

Since then, I've had to speak in front of crowds a handful of times. Each time it's gotten easier. First, because I was prepared, and second, because I've grown from my past experiences. I have also learned, that almost everyone is terrified of public speaking-even the ones who are good at it!

My husband posted a quote on facebook that I had to keep….

''I think midlife is when the universe gently places it's hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''
-Brené Brown

{MANTRA}

I am ready. The time is now. I release fear. It is not welcome. Growth is upon me, and my Desires will become reality.

#ESME INK Journal Entry by Lise-Marie Johnson

#ESMEINK : "Roots & The Base Chakra" Day 3

ROOTS

{Chakra #1  - Base}

chakras

I know that todays journal is one that I will be referring back to often. It's one that I really feel needs a lot of attention and care. It will be ongoing work within me.

As I am preparing to address my roots and grounded-ness today, I'm reminded about the organs associated with the base chakra that i've been called to work on. Those organs/body parts are, the base of spine, legs, bones, feet, rectum and immune system. What's interesting to me is connecting with how I feel in those physical areas. It's truly amazing how our bodies are so connected to our spiritual needs. It reminds me how paying close attention to my body is so important. Listen, feel, and respond!

The base chakra is all about roots, family, feeling grounded, control, feeling a sense of belonging, honour. It's referred to as the "tribal" chakra as well, referring to group identity and belief patterns. It's our connection to belief systems that can shape our future and give us some sense of belonging. I also strongly believe that when certain beliefs don't serve you in your life, find what does. I've gotten lost in this aspect more than once, but I know that I am on the right path today.

Fears within this chakra are connected to physical survival, abandonment of a group or loss of physical order. Strenghts within this chakra relate to family identity, bonding, tribal honour code, the support and loyalty that give a person a sends of safety and a connection to the physical world, or being comfortable living in "this" body.

I think the most important thing to remember within this chakra, is "all is one". My connection to nature and her energy is how I become grounded and plant my roots. Earth interconnects all people and all humanity.

I know that to maintain health within this chakra, I must address personal tribal issues. So here is where I begin.

BUILDING, AND LETTING GO.

It has taken a long time for Calgary to feel like home to me. And although in the last year I've really settled in with new friends, I'm still not feeling grounded. Part of my soul work tonight begins with making a commitment to myself to build a clan. Family. Tribe. The first chakra speaks of "tribe". People who are committed to finding themselves, and have similar values to me. Like minded individuals, who are not afraid to live and love outside of any box. Ones who dare to let their freak flags fly. Free spirits, rebels, humans who care about the planet and one another. Folks who understand the importance of educating younger generations about our cultures around the world. I want to be surrounded people who believe in the power of energy, and are searching and evolving and growing their souls on a daily basis. I commit not just to forming friendships such as these, but releasing the ones that no longer serve me, or steal my energy. Only growth, only grounding. I have to release the people and things that hold me back.

Ending friendships is hard, and awkward. There is no easy way to do it. But I give myself permission to have the life I dream of. I give myself permission to love myself wholly, which means feeding my heart with goodness, and being surrounded with the friends and family that make my world amazing. I will allow myself to grow, and learn from my elders, peers and children. I allow myself to let go. Of stress from poor relationships, fear, doubt, and all things that do not serve me in my life.

Today I feel incredible gratitude for the family I've got. I'm camping with my husband, kids and inlaws! (yes-with wifi-which is a first for me, but I've got to keep up with the journal momentum. Day 3!!!) Not only did I enter into a marriage with an amazing husband, but I've gained an incredible extended family with a mother and father in law who would die for their family. I feel like I've been a part of the "tribe" since the day I met them. The same goes for my brother and sister in law. And while we all have our differences, they love unconditionally. It is amazing. So today I let that resinate in my soul.

FAMILY {groundedness}

I'm blessed (an absolute understatement) to have an amazing family. Mom, dad, brothers, in laws, husband, children, and large extended family. I love them all so much. And I feel how much they love me too.

I have a void that has always left me with questions. And while sometimes i'm at peace with it, other times I'm not. The older I get, the more I feel I need answers.

Being adopted, in my eyes, is an amazing blessing, and was he most loving act of kindness that I could have been given. I'd some day like to thank my birth parents for that. I am so grateful for this gift.

I long to know about my biological history. Where I came from, what traits I have in common with these blood relatives, whether or not I have siblings, nieces, nephews, grandparents that are alive…endless questions.

I have to thank my brother Luke, for pointing something out that I never had considered when I was pregnant with my first babe. He said, "Hey Lise, do you realize that when you have this baby, that it will be the first blood relative of yours that you will ever get to meet?" That blew me away. Complete new meaning to having children! Love my two crazy maniacs so much. They are like me in so many ways. And it's opened my eyes to who I am, and how different I am than my own parents. I hadn't realized how different I was until having my own kids. How sweet these realizations are! Damn, I love life.

With no success of reaching my bio parents throughout canada's adoption/re-uniting processes, I've taken a step in a totally different direction and wonder where it may lead. It's a bit random, but it may actually get me some answers.

I've spent years in my head preparing for what I would say if I met my birth parent(s). I'm prepared for the possibility that they may not be alive. I'm prepared for the possibility that they may want nothing to do with me. I'm prepared for every possible scenario. I've thought about it for enough years now.

My adopted {true} parents are amazing, and have always said they would help me if I was ever interested in finding my bio parents. That is LOVE.

There is just a part of me longing to find a piece of the puzzle that is missing about me. I've never felt completely grounded. I've always been searching for who I am, and it's been hard. I've always been easily influenced by people, i feel, until my 30's. I would be in relationships where I would morph into this person I thought I was and who I knew my partner(s) wanted me to be. It was so false, and exhausting. I gave away so much of myself for so many years, because I didn't take the time to really evaluate who I was, or who I wanted to be. Of course, In my late 30's I now have a strong understanding of who I am and where I am going. I now stand up for what I believe in. If I don't like something, I'm not afraid to say it. I know more about who I am now, more than ever. And it's so cool! I started to really evaluate what speaks to me truly, and the one thing I recall that has always been strong in my heart and soul is spirituality, and energy. I can't help but wonder how much of that is a part of my ancestral heritage.

I can't wait to see what comes of this new search. I can't explain why I feel that knowing more about my ancestors will help me to feel grounded, or know more about myself, when all I need to do is look within me, and to mother earth. But I just feel the push forward in this. I hope to find truth, and gain closure, if not anything more. Then I know I can move forward with whatever information I have and know that the answers I have will be enough.

{BALANCING ACTIVITES}

To help myself feel grounded, I will spend more time in nature-especially bear foot. I will garden more. I will relax and spend more quality time with my family, and really connect with them on a deeper level.

{MANTRA}

Today I love and accept my family and friends as my tribe. They are a part of me. I believe If we are meant to meet, we will. At the right time in our lives. (Or in another life) I accept letting go of what and whom does not serve me in this lifetime. I accept that you may let me go too. I feel grounded today because I receive love from family, friends, and myself. Mother earth is always here, and I connect to her vastness and power which further grounds me. I accept things that I cannot change in my search for my birthparents and answers regarding them. Build tribe, let go, connect, ground, accept.

#ESMEINK Journal Entry by Lise-Marie Johnson